Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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