i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
