i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
