Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
