oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
