I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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