Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
