In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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