I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
