I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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