tell your sister to shave her snatch
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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