mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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