I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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