you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
