In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
