tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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