Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
