I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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