i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I want to walk on stilts...naked
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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