Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
