Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
