phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
