I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When are your genitals available?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
