Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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