two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
