But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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