In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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