I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
