party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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