the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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