While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
