I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
