sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
