Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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