I hate all girls vehemently.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
