Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
