according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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