I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
