Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
