Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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