i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
