Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
only you would photoshop your dick
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
All I want is dick and wine.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
