I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
