last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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