Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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