lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
