exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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