my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
