If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
