he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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