is your mom at the bar?
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
