see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
